Always Have A Getaway Car Handy
by The Eclectic Bookworm
Summary: "Sweetie, there is a car coming at us, because you are driving on the wrong side of the damn road!" River shrieked at the top of her lungs. The Doctor saw the headlights of the car and swerved, narrowly avoiding a collision.


Hollywood, 1943. The Doctor was reclining in a lounge chair, Amy and Rory in chairs next to him, all three of them dressed for the fabulous party that they were currently attending. Amy was sipping a martini daintily, her legs crossed at the ankle, and wearing enormous cat's-eye sunglasses and a tiny black dress. Rory was in a tuxedo and observing the party with the air of someone who didn't really want to be there. The Doctor was enjoying a nice, relaxing night out with the Ponds, eating jammie dodgers from a plate on his lap…

The plate was knocked away by a gloved hand, and River Song sat down in his lap, her hair in a stylish twist atop her head, wearing elbow-length gloves and a strapless dress that he was fairly certain had to be illegal in quite a few galaxies simply for what it did to her décolletage.

"Sweetie," she said through a fake smile, leaning over him, "I'm going to need your help." Her eyes darted all around the room, as if she was looking for someone to burst in on the party.

The Doctor, being absurdly ineloquent whenever River Song was sitting on his lap in a low-cut dress, responded with a strangled noise that could have been an attempt at "Hi, River," "It's good to see you," or "I really like that dress," but he was intending to say all three of them anyway, so it didn't really matter.

"With what?" Rory asked, standing up from his lounge chair and looking relieved at an excuse to leave the party.

"I _may_ have accidentally upset a small group of gangsters," said River sweetly. "One of them attempted to flirt with me."

"So?" the Doctor managed to choke out, his hand moving to River's waist of its own accord. He stared at it accusingly. It refused to move away.

River bit her lip prettily. "I may have told him I was already in a romantic relationship."

"And?" Amy prompted.

"And he continued to flirt with me, so I took out my stun gun and shot him."

"Rivah," the Doctor groaned, and whether it was irritation at her predicament or the fact that she was on his lap was impossible to tell. (It seemed unlikely that the latter would be true, however, due to the fact that he generally seemed to enjoy being in such a compromising position with River Song.)

"But they don't have stun guns in the twenties," said Rory worriedly. "They're going to think that he's dead."

"Yes, I was going to get to that," said River. Then, "Before they catch up to me, where are we at?"

"Um, we did Berlin a few weeks ago," Amy replied, putting down her martini and standing up herself.

"Good enough," said River in relief. "There's a car out front. Can we _go _now?"

"Doctor?" said Rory.

"Okay," said the Doctor weakly, standing up with River's arms draped lazily around his shoulders. She might have fallen onto the recliner had she not stood up with him. "Car chase. I was sort of looking forward to a nice, relaxing evening at a Hollywood party, but apparently my girlfriend has other ideas."

_"__Girlfriend?" _said Rory and Amy together, the former simply looking nonplussed and the latter glaring at the Doctor in a don't-you-dare-shag-my-daughter sort of fury.

"Car!" said the Doctor loudly, trying to ignore the Ponds' reaction to his Freudian slip and River's appreciative sigh at his referring to her as his girlfriend. "Going to the car now! Come along, Ponds!" He gently shook off River, taking her hand instead, and was about to take off running—

"Um, excuse me!" said Amy loudly. "High heels! I'm not going anywhere in these heels!" To the surprise of Rory and River, the Doctor rolled his eyes and scooped up Amy bridal-style.

"Wife," said Rory. "That's my wife you're carrying. Put my wife down now. I'll carry her to the car, thank you, and you can carry my daughter." He groaned. "God that's weird."

River grinned broadly. "_This _is why I wear heels to every party, sweetie," she whispered in the Doctor's ear when he was picking _her_ up bridal-style instead.

The Doctor groaned. "You're heavy," he complained. "Can't you just take off your shoes and run?" River hit him. "Ow! What was that for?"

"Did you just call me heavy?" said River in a low and deadly voice.

"Yeh—no! No, I didn't, we're going now, I can totally adjust to your weight—Ow! _Would you stop hitting me?_"

"_Stop calling me heavy!_"

"Um, Doctor?" said Amy in a low voice. "There are two men coming up to you, and both of them have guns."

"Okay," said the Doctor, adjusting River in his arms. "Okay. Running now. Running is a very good idea." He took off toward the car—

"It's the other way, sweetie," said River exasperatedly.

"What, toward the blokes with guns? No thank you," the Doctor huffed.

"Run!" Amy shouted from Rory's arms. "Just run to the bloody car, idiots!"

The Doctor took off, straight toward the startled gangsters (who didn't seem to recognize River now that she was cuddled so tenderly in the Doctor's arms), River's head nuzzled into the crook of his neck. He could feel her ragged breaths against his shoulder and knew that he'd have a lipstick mark later, but he also knew that River Song was _loving _the thrill.

"Faster, honey," she whispered as they ran around the gangsters, her arms reaching up to wrap around his neck.

"That's her!" one of the gangsters shouted. "Get her!"

The Doctor was running incredibly fast for a man who was carrying his girlfriend in his arms, stumbling over the pavement in his efforts to get to the nearby red convertible. "A convertible?" he snapped at River, who was looking up at him with an excited grin.

"Makes it more fun, don't you think?" she replied cheerfully.

"No, I _don't _think! River, did you plan this?"

"Absolutely not," River replied as he carefully placed her in the front seat. "But I tend to upset people, so I always have a getaway car handy."

"A getaway car from which they can shoot us dead easily!" the Doctor retorted. "Did you even think this through?"

"Well, I was hoping that I'd have enough time to put the top up," River answered airily. "Mum, Dad, all right?"

"_No!_" snapped Amy from the back seat.

"Physically," said Rory. "But do you two have any idea of how weird this entire situation is?"

"Oh," said River. "This is your first adventure where you know I'm your daughter, isn't it?"

"_Can we talk about this later?"_ shouted the Doctor. "The steering wheel's on the wrong side of the car!"

"It's America, sweetie, they drive on the other side of the road," River replied.

"Oh. Fun. Let's make this even _more _confusing for me," the Doctor snapped, getting into the car and starting up the engines. "Right. We've got about a five minute head start. If we can get to the TARDIS, we're golden."

"Where's the TARDIS?" Amy asked worriedly. "We drove here from all the way across town in a limo, remember?"

"Well, we'll find it eventually," said the Doctor. "What's the speed limit?"

"_What?_" said River incredulously.

"Well, I don't want to get arrested, do I?"

"It's a bloody _car chase, _sweetie! The speed limit does _not _matter! Should I drive?"

"I am not letting you drive! You'd get us arrested!"

"At the rate we're going, you'd get us shot down!"

"Which would be _your _fault, because _you're _a trigger-happy psychopath!"

"START THE CAR!" Amy roared from the backseat, startling the Doctor into starting the car and driving down the road.

"Sweetie!" River shouted. "Wrong side!"

"Shut up, River, I know _exactly _what I'm doing!"

"Doctor?" said Amy, who was leaning out of the back of the convertible. "They've got a car, and they're coming after us."

"Sweetie, wrong side!" River shouted again.

"Shut up, all of you!"

"Sweetie, there is a _car _coming at us, because you are driving on the _wrong side of the damn road!"_ River shrieked at the top of her lungs.

The Doctor saw the headlights of the car and swerved, narrowly avoiding a collision. "This feels _so _off," he mumbled. "All of this. This feels off. I feel like I'm breaking the law or something."

"You aren't," said River, who was breathing raggedly, her cheeks flushed with excitement. "You were earlier. Speed up, honey, they're gaining on us!"

"Sharp right turn!" Rory shouted.

"Hang on, does this car have a turn signal?" asked the Doctor. "Aren't we supposed to put our blinkers on when we're making a turn?"

"_There are no turn signals in a car chase!"_ River shouted, looking very much ready to kill him.

The Doctor turned right, shouting back, "Well, I wouldn't know, would I, seeing as I'm not generally accustomed to car chases!"

"You've been in _plenty _of car chases!"

"Not in this face!"

"You utterly idiotic—"

The Doctor pulled to a stop at an intersection.

"For the love of god," River groaned. "What the hell are you doing?"

"It's a red light," said the Doctor stubbornly. "I always stop at red lights."

"_There are no red lights in a car chase!"_ River shouted.

"That's what Martha said, and then we got arrested!"

"Can you just _listen _for once in your life? Start up the damn car!"

"Profanity," chided the Doctor. "I'm being a responsible adult and waiting for the light to change."

"Oh, if you think _that's _profanity, then wait until you hear—"

"Parents!" said Amy loudly.

River groaned. "Sorry, Mum, Dad, but what I'm about to do next is completely necessary." And she slid neatly out of her seat and into the Doctor's lap, using one hand to grab his hair and pull him into a kiss.

"River!" the Doctor tried to say, but she was still kissing him, and his hands were at her waist, and this was actually a very nice kiss, _ooh _tongues, he always liked—wait a second. He attempted to pull away again, but she held him with one hand. What was the other hand doing? And her feet; she wasn't sitting in his lap anymore, but kneeling. She pulled him down to the floor of the car so that he was sitting on his feet in front of her, his back pressed against the bottom of the seat. Yet she was only kissing him with her mouth and one of her hands, and River _never _did that. How were they not being shot at?

"River!" shrieked Amy. "Open your eyes! We're going to run into a wall—oh. Never mind. How are you even _doing _that?"

The Doctor understood then, finally managing to pull away. River was smirking, her lipstick smudged all over her face, her hair down in curls on her bare shoulders—and she was steering the car with her right hand twisted backwards behind her and her knee on the gas.

"No rules in a car chase," she said smugly. "I learned quite a lot from Kovarian. Including backwards steering."

The Doctor groaned. "Oh, I am _so _going to kill you if we get arrested."

"That was a lovely snog, though," said River conversationally. "Amy, Rory, could you put the top up in case of rain?"

"They are _shooting at us!_" Amy shrieked, and the Doctor realized that she had ducked under the seat.

"We're in the middle of a car chase and you're worried about the weather?" asked the Doctor incredulously.

"Kindly don't talk, sweetie, my steering is all guesswork and it's distracting when you're talking," said River shortly, twisting neatly so that she was facing the steering wheel. "Sit in the driver's seat, will you? It'll most likely be easier for me to steer if I sit on your lap."

"If you _sit on my—_"

"Get your mind out of the gutter, Doctor, there'll be plenty of that tonight. Assuming you're a good boy and let your River steer the car, hmm?" River didn't turn to look at him, which he was quite grateful for. He was blushing profusely.

"Plenty of that tonight?" Amy echoed. "Are you bloody serious?"

The Doctor was perfectly fine with getting up and sitting in the driver's seat. River sat down neatly on his lap, wiggling a little to get comfortable. (If the Doctor hadn't known her so well, he might have found it cute.) Then her foot was pushing his to the gas pedal, and her hands grabbed his and guided them to the steering wheel.

"What?" said the Doctor. "I thought that you were steering."

"I am," said River. "But sometimes it helps you to think that you're in control."

"Oi!" The Doctor could hear Amy and Rory both laughing from the backseat. "I am _very much _in control, thank you!" he informed her.

"Mm hmm. And my name's Mels Zucker."

"It _was, _until I came along."

"Just like you _were _in control, sweetie, until I came along."

Amy's and Rory's laughs got louder.

"Shut up," the Doctor grumbled, moving one of his hands away from the steering wheel to rest on River's stomach and tug her closer. She gasped softly, and he smirked, raising the hand to push all of her hair over her shoulder. "_So _in control," he whispered into her bare neck, feeling her shudder slightly.

"Did it ever occur to you that I might have wanted you to do just that?" River asked, but her breathlessness gave her away.

"Ha ha, I'm in control and you're not," said the Doctor smugly into River's neck, completely shattering the romantic mood.

"It is a complete turn-off when you act like a ten-year-old," River told him disappointedly.

"Whatever," the Doctor mumbled, moving his mouth away from his girlfriend's neck and kissing her shoulder instead.

"PARENTS!" Amy and Rory shouted together.

The Doctor, who had completely forgotten about the Ponds in the backseat, turned bright red. "This is your fault!" he hissed to River.

"Things usually are, honey," River replied, wiggling on his lap again and pressing his foot to the gas even more with the toe of her high heel. "Oh, look, there's the TARDIS! Aren't I amazing?"

"From now on," said Amy, "you two are going on adventures by yourself if you're going to be this flirty."

* * *

><p>The Doctor took off from where the TARDIS had landed and exhaled relievedly when the sound of gangsters shooting at the TARDIS had faded away. River was lounging on one of the chairs. The Ponds had retired to bed as soon as possible, not wanting to hang around once the Doctor decided to talk to River.<p>

"River," the Doctor began, a thousand objections he wanted to make to her conduct, but he forgot them all when she crossed the floor and kissed him softly, the urgency of the car chase no longer in her every movement.

He smiled, wrapped his arms around her waist, and kissed her back, steering them in the direction of his bedroom.

"Right," said Rory. "I'd forgotten my jacket, but apparently I'm just going to wait and pretend that I didn't just see my daughter blatantly groping my best friend."

The Doctor's eyes flew open at Rory's observation, and sure enough, River's hands were no longer on his shoulders in their previously ladylike manner. "_Rivah,_" he groaned.

River smirked. "Just doing my job."

"Which is?"

"Embarrassing you in front of my parents."

"_Rivah._"

"Weren't we headed to your room? I was very much looking forward to a 'thank-goodness-we're-alive' shag."

"Okay!" said Rory loudly. "Getting my jacket! Could everybody kindly just stop talking until I've left the room and somehow managed to erase this conversation from my memory?" He walked over to where his jacket was hanging, took it, and hurried out of the room.

"Still up for that shag, my love?" River asked flirtatiously.

"Actually, I'm up for getting you to behave."

"Ooh, Doctor, _kinky. _Are we getting out the handcuffs tonight?"

"How do you do that? Is it a superpower? Does it come with the amazing space hair?"

"Do what?" River asked innocently.

"Making absolutely everything into a sexual innuendo! No, I bet it's the vortex manipulators. I've known only two people with vortex manipulators, and both of them flirt with absolutely everything."

"Oh, sweetie," said River with a smirk. "You really know how to sweet-talk a girl." Her hands went to his hips, pulling him flush against her, and she kissed him again.

"Hang on," said the Doctor, pulling away.

"What _now?_"

"You're getting lipstick all over my face."

"Ooh, very masculine. Worried about getting _dirty, _are we?"

"Stop that."

"Stop what?"

"Stop the sexual innuendos."

"Sweetie, get me to the bedroom," said River, crossing her arms, "and I swear to you that I'll stop talking—"

"—and start screaming, yes, I know, stop with the innuendos."

"I wasn't going to say that," River smirked, "but if you're feeling like making me scream, I'm all for it."

"What?" said Amy in bewilderment, staring at both of them. She was wearing pajamas now, her hair in braids, and she was picking up her toothbrush from where she'd left it in the console room. "Are you two going to _shag _now?"

"Stay out of the console room!" shouted the Doctor. "Just—"

"Are we shagging in the console room now?" River asked innocently.

"Okay, I'm really going now, because I do _not _need that image in my head," said Amy, backing speedily out of the room.

The Doctor groaned. "You drive me up the wall sometimes, River."

She grinned. "Come on, sweetie, it's time for me to make it up to you."

"No."

"I'm sorry?"

"Shut up. Just—stop with the innuendos."

"Make me," said River smugly, leaning forward.

He did. Thankfully, the Ponds were spared any further emotional trauma by the fact that _this _time, both of them managed to make it to the bedroom.

* * *

><p><strong>So I went to see Big Hero 6 today and really liked it, and there was this one scene where Wasabi (if you haven't seen Big Hero 6, he's one of the main characters) is driving the car with all of the heroes in it in a car chase, but trying to abide the laws at the same time. Gogo gets annoyed at him and takes over the car herself. I took inspiration from the scene, and this happened. <strong>

**Reviews?**

**-The Eclectic Bookworm**


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